|The Breastfeeding logo.|
I can't remember a single detail about the last time I nursed him (and now the tears are forming...). If I had known it would be the last time, I would have cuddled with him while he found both comfort and nourishment. I would have savored every moment of it. I would have memorized his face, the sounds he made, the way he looked at me and grinned, while still latched on. I would have asked my hubby to take a photo to capture that moment of peace. I would have remembered exactly where we sat (most likely the couch, where I usually nursed him, but it could have been my bed, I really can't remember). I would have captured every second of it in my mind, to cherish forever.
It became something I took for granted, that special time for me and Eli, that happened whenever, and wherever, he wanted it. There were times I wished he were ready to stop, so I could have my body back all to myself. But I knew he was not ready, so we continued. When he turned 1 year, I thought we would see how he was doing at 15 months. Then 15 months hit, and he still wasn't ready, so we carried on.
|I couldn't resist taking this photo last winter!|
I absolutely love the look on his face, and will always cherish moments like this one!
Once I was in my room, a couple of my nurses offered me a pump so I could keep up my supply. But at that point, I knew it was over. Pumping is not my friend. I have not been able to pump since E was about 5-6 months old. Only a few tiny drops would come out any time I tried. I knew I had a long hospital stay ahead of me, more medications (most of which are not safe for BFing), and more surgeries. I also didn't know how E would take to nursing again after my long stay away from him.
I realized our breastfeeding days were over. It took about 8 days for my milk to dry up. I used cabbage leaves to help ease the discomfort. By the time I went to rehab, it was gone.
When the kids were brought up to visit me, E wanted nothing to do with me for the first 5-6 days. The last day he saw me in the hospital, he finally warmed up enough to sit by me for a few minutes. At rehab, he was much better and ran right up to me. Once I returned home, he still didn't want much to do with me, and clung to my mom for the first few days.
A few days after returning home from rehab, E woke up early, still very sleepy. He cuddled with my mom on the couch, but after a few minutes, decided he would cuddle with me.
He laid in my lap, and immediately got into the "position". He always preferred my left side, so that's how he laid in my lap. He sweetly looked up at me and pointed at my breast, and said "ehh, ehh" (his way of telling me he wanted milk). I gently told him "No more milk, it's all gone." He put his head down, as if to say "okay". Then a few minutes later, he asked again. 3-4 times he did this, but stayed calm every time I told him "no more". I was surprised at how calm he was. Then the 4-5th time, he had a meltdown. He screamed, and threw himself down. He didn't want me to put him down, yet he didn't want me to hold him. My heart was aching. I wanted so badly to just pop out my boob and let him try, but I knew the milk was long gone. He got over it a few minutes later, and was content cuddling. But inside I felt horrible I could no longer give him what he wanted/needed.
|What breastfeeding a|
toddler is really like!