Fear.

My heart is breaking right now, for someone I barely know. 


A friend, who I've only met a couple times in real life, lost her husband this weekend.  He was a police officer, on his way home from work.  He was on his motorcycle, and hit by a drunk driver. 

As soon as I read about it on facebook, the tears started flowing.  I've never met him, but they have 3 young children.  She is a stay at home mom.  He was in a motorcycle accident, caused by someone else.  I guess it just hit close to home.

While it brought back memories of our accident, and was a reminder of just how blessed we were, that isn't why my heart aches for her.  I immediately thought about how I would feel if it were Ryan.  That ache in my heart that would never go away.  Having to tell the kids (probably multiple times) that they would never see their daddy again.  How would I go through each day with this terrible yearning for a life that could have been?  The inevitable question of Why?!  Why him?  Why me?  Why do our kids have to live the rest of their lives without their father? 

That is why my heart breaks for her, their kids, and their entire family.  That is why I have been, and will continue to pray for them. 

At church Sunday morning, just hours after hearing about my friend's horrible loss, a man asked about my motorcycle tattoo.  He rides, but said his wife doesn't really like it, so he's considering stopping.  After I mentioned our accident, and that I haven't been on the bike since, he said "Why should you?"  He pointed out that if something were to happen, it would be both parents that their kids would lose. 

I told him of my friend who just lost her husband.  I told him I don't ever want to be in her shoes.  That is a pain that I never want to know, a pain I don't want my kids to know.  But I also told him I would ride again.

In today's world, just going to a movie can get you killed by a senseless act of violence.  People are killed each day in motor vehicle accidents (motorcycles or not).  High winds can cause an 18 wheeler to fall on your car.  Going to school doesn't guarantee safety, as we learned after Columbine and countless other school shootings.  Ryan's job has the potential for a fatal accident.  Even staying at home, there can be an electrical fire.  People get sick (Ryan himself is a cancer survivor).  Our daily routines are never 100% safe.

I have often thought about telling Ryan that as long as we have young kids, he can't ride.  I've thought about never riding again.  Almost everyone asks me if I'll get on another bike.  My answer has always been "Yes, I will."  

I do not want to live my life in fear, for that is no life at all.  I will ride a motorcycle again, with Ryan.  When?  I can't answer that.  I do know there will be some amount of fear involved, I'm not going to lie.  The few times Ryan has gone on his bike alone has had me worried. 

But I refuse to let my fear win.  I will continue to live my life.  I will use our story as a testament to God's mercy, love, protection, and grace.  (Side note: You should read the article, "So you STILL think God is a merciful God?!")

If He calls me Home before (what us humans think is) "my time", then so be it.  I know in my heart I will see my family again.  But I will live this life He has created for me until that day comes.  Because He lives, so will I.

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone! Because I know He holds the future.  And life is worth the living just because He lives!"


Please pray for my friend who lost her husband, their 3 children, and their entire family.

Lord, I pray for my friend, their children, and their entire family.  I pray they feel the comfort, strength, and peace that only You can provide.  I pray they allow Your people to help them through this terrible time.  Please be with their friends, who will be Your hands to hold them, Your shoulder to cry on, Your feet to help them, Your arms to lift them up.  Lord, drive all fear and anger from their hearts, so they are able to hold onto the loving memories of a loving husband, father, brother, son, cousin, and friend.  Help ease their pain, but never forget.  Help them to feel Your presence today, this week, this month, the first holidays, and every day of their lives as they miss him.  Help them to know that they can face tomorrow, and that life is worth living, just because You live.  Amen.

Because He Lives

(Verse 1)
God sent his son
They called him Jesus
He came to love
Heal and forgive
He lived and died
To buy my pardon
An empty grave
Is there to prove
My Savior lives

(Chorus)
Because he lives
I can face tomorrow
Because he lives
All fear is gone
Because I know
He holds the future
And life and is worth the living
Just because he lives

(Verse 2)
How sweet to hold
A newborn baby
And feel the pride
And joy he gives
But greater still
The calm assurance
This child can face
Uncertain days
Because he lives

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
And then one day
I'll cross the river
I'll fight life's fi-
Nal war with pain
And then as death
Gives way to victory
I'll see the lights
Of glory and
I'll know he lives

(Chorus 2xs)

Guilt.

What is it about guilt?  It seems to follow me everywhere.  I have struggled with a few things recently, and guilt is the cause of that struggle.  It is not easy to share these things with the world, but here goes...


I feel guilty for saying "Yes" to something because it takes time away from my family, and also myself.  Or it causes me to neglect another area of my life.

I feel guilty for saying "No" to something, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. Especially when that something is good.   (see my dilemma here?)

I feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated about the accident, resulting injuries, related family issues, and the long-term limitations I will have to deal with. 

I feel guilty because I should just be thankful to be alive and that I can walk.  It feels wrong to have those feelings when I could have lost my foot... or my life. 

I feel guilty because those feelings are what I would have if I haven't truly forgiven the person who made a mistake. 


Guilt is a basic human emotion that we feel after doing something wrong.  It is normal.  We normally apologize to whomever we have wronged.  But, why is it that I feel guilt when I haven't done anything wrong?  And who to I apologize to if I haven't wronged anyone?  Why is it that no matter what I do, guilt finds a way to gnaw at me, making me second guess everything?  Why can't I just say "No" without that guilt?  Why can't I just feel without that guilt? 

Satan plants that seed of guilt in my mind.  He is trying to stop me from doing my best.  He is trying to sabotage relationships.  He is trying to stop me from doing good.  He wants that guilt to stop me.  He wants that guilt to pull me down and isolate me.

I am learning to let go of that guilt.  It's not easy.  It keeps popping back up. 

I just attended an amazing Women's Retreat with ladies from a wonderful church!  It was definitely a spiritual renewal.  I finally allowed myself to admit that I need a lot of emotional healing after the accident.  The physical is about as good as it's going to get.  I accept that my leg will never be the same.  But I refuse to allow my spirit to be held back because I allowed the guilt to prevent me from dealing with the emotions I have. 

One of the speakers addressed another area that I have been struggling with, saying "No".  I have a hard time saying that 2 letter word to projects that I am passionate about.  The speaker shared that saying "No" is not always saying "No" to God.  That sometimes saying "No" is really saying "Yes" to Jesus!  I needed to hear those words.  I am now beginning to feel at peace with saying "No".  I know that in saying "No" to some things, I am saying "Yes" to my family, myself, and to whatever God has in store for me.  It is okay to say "No".  And it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I am also starting to accept the fact that it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about the accident, and the last 10 months of our life.  It is okay for me to feel those things about the future that will forever be changed because of the accident.  It does not mean that I am not thankful.  It does not make me weak.  It only makes me stronger for admitting that I need God's comfort and healing. 

Feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated also does not mean that I have not truly forgiven the young girl who hit us.  Those feelings are not towards her in any way.  They are about the situation, the life I had before, and the life that will forever be restricted.  It pains me to know that I can't run and play with my kids.  Every step I take is painful.  You may not notice it, because I hide it well, and I have learned to deal with it.  I accept that the physical pain is just part of my life now.  Each step is a reminder of not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain, as well.  My life will never be the same, in so many ways.

I feel like I am mourning the loss of the life we had before.  The life where I could walk pain-free.  Where I could run with my kids.  Where my 4 year old son never had PTSD.  Where we didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what has happened in the last 10 months.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of things I will not be able to do with my kids.

Yes, there are many things I can do.  But it is a fact that there are some things that I can't.  And it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about that.  It is okay to mourn the things I can no longer do. 

It is okay because I am still thankful.  I have forgiven the driver.  And I am still loved by the One who created me.  The One who saved us (both spiritually and physically).  The One who has greater plans for me.  He is my rock and my salvation.  God has told me it is okay to let that guilt go and give it to Him. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 13

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Psalms 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

How GREAT is our God!

Walking through the Rocks...

6 weeks and about 14 hours.

That's how long it's been since our motorcyle accident.

I've had many people tell me that if this had happened to them that they would be depressed and wouldn't be able to handle it like I have.  They tell me I'm doing so great considering everything that happened.  My friend Brandi even used me in her blog a couple weeks ago.  Read her post titled Why Must Habits be Changed? #4.  I stole this ----> picture from her blog, because I absolutely loved it!

And you know what, I am doing pretty good.  I could be laying in bed all day long, crying about what happened.  I can't walk on my left foot.  It's hideous to look at.  I still have another surgery, with a long recovery ahead of me.

Are things easy?  No.  Not in any sense of the word.  Things are hard.  Damn hard.  I can't do much for myself.  It's hard on my mom and my husband, who have to essentially wait on me hand and foot.  If I'm thirsty or hungry, they have to get me food or drink.  If I need to change my underwear, I need their help holding the tube on my wound vac so it doesn't get contaminated laying on the bed or floor.  Shower by myself?  Yes, but I need Ryan's help before and after.  I can go to the bathroom by myself.  But I can't pick up my kids.  I can't even put Eli to bed (which he has been wanting lately).  Riley has been having behavioral problems as a result of the accident, and it's very hard to know how to handle him sometimes.

There's a lot that I can't do.  I could easily focus on that and fall into a deep depression.  Do I choose to do that?  No.  I cannot live my life thinking about the can't's in life.  Have I cried about what happened?  Yes.  Have I had a hard time with things?  Yes.  Have I argued with my husband, yelled at the kids, snapped at my mom?  Yes, yes, and yes.  It is extremely frustrating.   But I choose not to let it get me down.  My faith is in One more powerful than I, and I trust that He will carry us through this.

Life is hard.  Things happen, bad things and good things.  Life really is a roller coaster of highs and lows.  A song comes to mind, by Caedman's Call.  It's called "Lead of Love".

...Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee...
 It is impossible for me to know what the future holds.  And during challenging times in life, it feels impossible to think things will ever get better. This accident has been the hardest thing in my life that I have had to go through.  Nothing has been harder or more difficult to handle.  But I trust in the One who created me.  He will never give me more than I can handle.  He will give me the tools I need to get through this.  He will send the people in my life who will help me through this. 

At the end of this, I will see that mountain view.  I'm not sure what it will look like, and that's ok.  I trust that God will help me through this and get me there.  That is how I am able to have such a positive outlook through all of this.  The low times in our lives help us appreciate the highs.  Each hug and "I wuv you, Mommy" means so much more to me now. 

I may not be able to carry my kids, but I am able to hold them in my lap.

I may not be able to fix myself something to eat or drink, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful support system here to help me. 

I may not be able to walk right now, but I will be able to walk again.

I may not be able to do a lot of things now, but I least I am here.  I am alive.  And I am thankful.