I feel guilty for saying "Yes" to something because it takes time away from my family, and also myself. Or it causes me to neglect another area of my life.
I feel guilty for saying "No" to something, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. Especially when that something is good. (see my dilemma here?)
I feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated about the accident, resulting injuries, related family issues, and the long-term limitations I will have to deal with.
I feel guilty because I should just be thankful to be alive and that I can walk. It feels wrong to have those feelings when I could have lost my foot... or my life.
I feel guilty because those feelings are what I would have if I haven't truly forgiven the person who made a mistake.
Guilt is a basic human emotion that we feel after doing something wrong. It is normal. We normally apologize to whomever we have wronged. But, why is it that I feel guilt when I haven't done anything wrong? And who to I apologize to if I haven't wronged anyone? Why is it that no matter what I do, guilt finds a way to gnaw at me, making me second guess everything? Why can't I just say "No" without that guilt? Why can't I just feel without that guilt?
Satan plants that seed of guilt in my mind. He is trying to stop me from doing my best. He is trying to sabotage relationships. He is trying to stop me from doing good. He wants that guilt to stop me. He wants that guilt to pull me down and isolate me.
I am learning to let go of that guilt. It's not easy. It keeps popping back up.
I just attended an amazing Women's Retreat with ladies from a wonderful church! It was definitely a spiritual renewal. I finally allowed myself to admit that I need a lot of emotional healing after the accident. The physical is about as good as it's going to get. I accept that my leg will never be the same. But I refuse to allow my spirit to be held back because I allowed the guilt to prevent me from dealing with the emotions I have.
One of the speakers addressed another area that I have been struggling with, saying "No". I have a hard time saying that 2 letter word to projects that I am passionate about. The speaker shared that saying "No" is not always saying "No" to God. That sometimes saying "No" is really saying "Yes" to Jesus! I needed to hear those words. I am now beginning to feel at peace with saying "No". I know that in saying "No" to some things, I am saying "Yes" to my family, myself, and to whatever God has in store for me. It is okay to say "No". And it's okay to not be able to do it all.
I am also starting to accept the fact that it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about the accident, and the last 10 months of our life. It is okay for me to feel those things about the future that will forever be changed because of the accident. It does not mean that I am not thankful. It does not make me weak. It only makes me stronger for admitting that I need God's comfort and healing.
Feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated also does not mean that I have not truly forgiven the young girl who hit us. Those feelings are not towards her in any way. They are about the situation, the life I had before, and the life that will forever be restricted. It pains me to know that I can't run and play with my kids. Every step I take is painful. You may not notice it, because I hide it well, and I have learned to deal with it. I accept that the physical pain is just part of my life now. Each step is a reminder of not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain, as well. My life will never be the same, in so many ways.
I feel like I am mourning the loss of the life we had before. The life where I could walk pain-free. Where I could run with my kids. Where my 4 year old son never had PTSD. Where we didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what has happened in the last 10 months. I feel like I am mourning the loss of things I will not be able to do with my kids.
Yes, there are many things I can do. But it is a fact that there are some things that I can't. And it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about that. It is okay to mourn the things I can no longer do.
It is okay because I am still thankful. I have forgiven the driver. And I am still loved by the One who created me. The One who saved us (both spiritually and physically). The One who has greater plans for me. He is my rock and my salvation. God has told me it is okay to let that guilt go and give it to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 - 13
"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."
How GREAT is our God!