It shouldn't be about business.

I'm sitting here watching the Business of Being Born for the first time.  I've put it off, knowing that it would only confirm this nagging voice telling me that with the next birth, I do not want another c-section.  I've finally sat down to watch it, and I was right.  Less than 5 minutes into it, it just confirmed I want a midwife to deliver my next baby.  And here I am writing this.  Which I've also been putting off. 

Riley was born via c-section, after a scheduled induction.  I was 38 weeks, 4 days pregnant.  I had been dilated at a 2 for a couple of weeks, and having horrible back labor.  I went in for an appointment at 38 weeks, and the doctor suggested scheduling the induction.  I was so done at that point, that I agreed.  I was uncomfortable. 

"I" being the key word.  But in all honesty, I was fine with it.  I was still hoping to hold off on the epidural as long as possible.  I only wanted it as a last resort, for when I couldn't take the pain any longer. 

I went in early on the scheduled day.  The IV with the pitocin drip was started at about 7:00 am.  By 1:00 (or so, I don't remember exactly), I was dilated to "barely 4 cm".  The doctor had broken my water a few hours earlier (which was extremely painful without any pain meds), but things weren't progressing as they liked. 

I asked for an epidural then, after they upped the pitocin, trying to speed things along.  Well, labor stalled after that.  I couldn't feel the contactions, thanks to the drugs.  I watched them on a moniter.  Around 5:45 pm, I was still at a 4, so the doctor recommended a c-section.  He cited "failure to progress" as the reason.  He also told me Riley's head was getting stuck in my pelvic bone. 

Riley was born at 6:15 pm in an operating room.  The cord was wrapped around his neck, so it was a couple of minutes (that felt like an eternity) before we heard his cry.  Once we did, it was the best sound in the world!  I cried silent tears of joy.  I still hold dear that moment when I heard him for the first time, and then a few minutes later when I saw him.  As soon as they closed me up and took me back to my room, Riley was there waiting for me.  I nursed him within minutes of returning to the room.  He stayed in my room the entire stay at the hospital.  I wanted him close so I could nurse on demand.  And, I didn't want to be away from him.



Riley, just minutes old in the OR.
He weighed in at 8 lb 2 oz!

When I was pregnant with Elijah, I was unsure of what to do.  I liked the idea of a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), but I was scared something would go wrong.  I was scared of going through the labor process, and still needing a c-section.  I spoke to my ob/gyn about what to do (a different one, since we thought we were going to move at the time).  She told me because of the circumstances of my delivery with Riley, that she would only do a scheduled c-section. 

I ended up changing back to the ob that delivered Riley when we realized we would not be moving.  I spoke with him about what to do.  He told me it was my decision.  Great.  Now *I* had to be the one to decide.  Secretly, I was hoping he would just tell me so I wouldn't have to think about it.  I wanted a VBAC, but I was scared.

The fear won. 

We scheduled a c-section for 11/11/09.  Eight days before his due date.  I kinda liked that day, it would be easy to remember.  And it happens to be Veteran's Day. 

It was very different than the first birth.  Very calm.  A lot of waiting, not feeling at all like we were about to change our family forever.  Eli was born at 8:03 am.  Less than 2 hours after arriving at the hospital.  His cry came almost immediately after he was out, and it was a very surreal moment.  I was able to breastfeed him as soon as I returned to my room.  But I was so out of it from the drugs that I ended up sleeping most of the morning.  Eli was in the nursery most of that time.  Which is not something I wanted, but I was so out of it, I couldn't really complain.  That was the only time he was away from me, since we also "roomed in". 

Elijah, seconds old in the OR.
He weighed in at 8 lb 10 oz!

I can't go back and change anything about my 2 birth experiences.  I don't feel guilty about them, either.  I don't feel cheated.  It is what it is.  I was (and am) happy I had a healthy baby in my arms after each birth.  Not all moms are so blessed.  I won't be ashamed to tell the anyone about how my children came into this world.

I'm not any less of a mom because I've had 2 c-sections.  Nor do I love my babies any less.

At the time, I really didn't know any different than what has become the "norm" for births in America.  I didn't know anyone who had a midwife instead of an OB.  I didn't know anyone in real life who had a successful VBAC.  Online, of course I read success stories.  But those didn't feel real since they were just people behind a computer screen. 

But now I do.  The cloth diaper community has opened my eyes to a whole new world of birth!  Now I know there are midwives in this area that will do VBA2C's.  I know people who have given birth in birth centers.  And at home.  And even at home unassisted, without a midwife. 

Before the accident happened, we had discussed trying for #3 in the summer of 2011.  Well, things didn't exactly work out they way we planned.  Techically, I could get pregnant now if we wanted.  I have been told my pelvic bone is all healed up, and there are no more surgeries anticipated.  But we have been through so much in the last 10 months, both physically and emotionally, that we have decided to wait.  My body is still healing.  6 surgeries in an 8 month span is hard on any body.  I'm still trying to figure out my new "normal".  We are trying to heal and move on after a life changing event. 

I don't know when we will have another baby.  But I know our family is not complete just yet.  For now, we will enjoy life!  God has His own plans.  We may not know what He has in store for us, but I know He will continue to bless us more than we deserve!

When we feel the time is right to have another baby, I want to see a midwife. I want to give birth in a birth center. I'm not quite sure of a home birth, especially after 2 c-sections. I would feel more comfortable not in my own home. Especially if we move to the country soon.

I want to experience spontaneous labor. The anticipation of adding another child to our family.

I won't let fear win again.

I want to experience birth the way it was meant to be.

I can't believe it's over.

The Breastfeeding logo.

I never thought I'd be writing this post.  Mostly because I never thought I'd be sad about not breastfeeding anymore.  I have heard of mom's who slip into a depression after their nursling weans (for whatever reason, at any age, whether it be 5 months or 5 years).  I never understood it.  I don't want you to think I'm being insensitive, I just haven't experience that before.  While I am not depressed, I do feel sad that E is no longer nursing.

I know the biggest reason I feel this way is because it was not our choice, mine or E's.  He was 17 months.  Five months longer than I nursed Riley, and much longer than I ever expected or planned.  I am very proud we made it so long.

I can't remember a single detail about the last time I nursed him (and now the tears are forming...).  If I had known it would be the last time, I would have cuddled with him while he found both comfort and nourishment.  I would have savored every moment of it.  I would have memorized his face, the sounds he made, the way he looked at me and grinned, while still latched on.  I would have asked my hubby to take a photo to capture that moment of peace.  I would have remembered exactly where we sat (most likely the couch, where I usually nursed him, but it could have been my bed, I really can't remember).  I would have captured every second of it in my mind, to cherish forever.

It became something I took for granted, that special time for me and Eli, that happened whenever, and wherever, he wanted it.  There were times I wished he were ready to stop, so I could have my body back all to myself.  But I knew he was not ready, so we continued.  When he turned 1 year, I thought we would see how he was doing at 15 months.  Then 15 months hit, and he still wasn't ready, so we carried on.


I couldn't resist taking this photo last winter!
I absolutely love the look on his face, and will always cherish moments like this one!



Then Ryan and I were in the accident, and I was pumped full of drugs.  I also had emergency surgery on my foot 8 hours after the accident.  More drugs in my system.  I remember laying in the ER, in the worst pain of my life, and telling the nurses that I would no longer be able to nurse my baby (and here are more tears).  They said they were sorry, and asked how old my baby was.  I told them 17 months, and they were impressed (not repulsed) that we made it that long! 

Once I was in my room, a couple of my nurses offered me a pump so I could keep up my supply.  But at that point, I knew it was over.  Pumping is not my friend.  I have not been able to pump since E was about 5-6 months old.  Only a few tiny drops would come out any time I tried.  I knew I had a long hospital stay ahead of me, more medications (most of which are not safe for BFing), and more surgeries.  I also didn't know how E would take to nursing again after my long stay away from him.

I realized our breastfeeding days were over.  It took about 8 days for my milk to dry up.  I used cabbage leaves to help ease the discomfort.  By the time I went to rehab, it was gone.

When the kids were brought up to visit me, E wanted nothing to do with me for the first 5-6 days.  The last day he saw me in the hospital, he finally warmed up enough to sit by me for a few minutes.  At rehab, he was much better and ran right up to me.  Once I returned home, he still didn't want much to do with me, and clung to my mom for the first few days. 
A few days after returning home from rehab, E woke up early, still very sleepy.  He cuddled with my mom on the couch, but after a few minutes, decided he would cuddle with me. 

He laid in my lap, and immediately got into the "position".  He always preferred my left side, so that's how he laid in my lap.  He sweetly looked up at me and pointed at my breast, and said "ehh, ehh" (his way of telling me he wanted milk).  I gently told him "No more milk, it's all gone."  He put his head down, as if to say "okay".  Then a few minutes later, he asked again.  3-4 times he did this, but stayed calm every time I told him "no more".  I was surprised at how calm he was.  Then the 4-5th time, he had a meltdown.  He screamed, and threw himself down.  He didn't want me to put him down, yet he didn't want me to hold him.  My heart was aching.  I wanted so badly to just pop out my boob and let him try, but I knew the milk was long gone.  He got over it a few minutes later, and was content cuddling.  But inside I felt horrible I could no longer give him what he wanted/needed.


What breastfeeding a
toddler is really like!



Only one other time has he asked for it.  He had fallen and hurt himself (mostly his ego), and came to me for comfort.  I was unable to give him the comfort he wanted, though.  Again, my heart ached.

A few days ago I was getting dressed.  When I took off my night shirt, he got all excited and pointed at my chest, as if to say "Look!  My old friends!"  Then he sat by me, still happy.  I continued to get dressed, half expecting him to ask for milk.  But he didn't. 

It's really over.  And I'm sad.  I now understand why people say they were saddened when their child weaned themselves.  When I weaned Riley at 12 months (yes, I weaned him), he was more than fine!  He honestly couldn't care less where his milk came from (bottle, cup, or boob; me or a cow).  He was fine, and so was I.  This time, it was not my decision, nor was it Eli's.  He has done much better than I expected.  I think partly because I was gone for 2 weeks, so he had time to adjust to not nursing before I came home.



I have been putting off sitting down to write this post.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew that once I put it in writing it would solidify that it's really over, that I will never nurse Eli again.  And it would also confirm that I really am sad about it.  Out of everything that has happened in the last 9 weeks, this is one thing that I wish I could take back and fix.  My physical injuries are healing and I know I will walk again.  But I cannot take back the end of our breastfeeding relationship.  I will never nurse him again.  I hate that I don't remember the last time I nursed him.  It's all gone, it's all over.  And there's nothing I can do to change it.

:::squeal:::

I FINALLY have a CLOTHESLINE!!!

I am so excited, can you tell?

I have been asking my husband to put one up for a year.  And now I have one.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!

I am excited to start saving some energy by line drying the diapers, and whatever else I can fit on the lines.  It was very relaxing doing the monotonous work of hanging the items on the line.  A good way to clear the mind.  I even did part of it with E on my back in the Pikkolo. 



I finally have a photo of my diapers out on the line.  I have always been a little envious of the beautiful photos I've seen on so many cloth diaper forums and pages!  Now I have my own to share!!




The pretty colors <3





I added some clothes to the 2nd line.  I ran out of room.  I need more lines...



I'll throw in the other project we did this weekend.  "We" being my husband, with a little help from Riley.

Riley enjoyed playing in the hole for the new tree we planted.

Making sure it's deep enough!

Watering the new tree:)

Wordless Wednesday

Visit to Mimi and Baba's, way past bedtime.

Wordless Wednesday

Again, not completely wordless (for those who know me know this is no big surprise;) and I'm posting it a day early since today feels like Wednesday to me!

This is an old photo (obviously, since Riley was still in diapers!) but one of my favorites!  It's one of the few moments Riley and Eli were still long enough to get a cute picture. 

They are both wearing Doodle Dypes (older style).  I will be doing a review on Doodle Dypes (one of my favorite diapers!!!) soon.  For now, though, you can go vote on this pic to help E win a custom Doodle!  They are celebrating their 1 year anniversary with a photo contest!  All you need to do is "like" the photo in their album.  The photo with the most "likes" will win a custom Doodle Dype!  If I win I may decide to spread the Doodle love and do a giveaway........

Wordless Wednesday

Ok, maybe not completely wordless.  I couldn't decide which photo to use, so you'll get a bonus!

Snow, Pancakes, and a Bullseye

After 3.5 days of being iced in, I told Ryan I wanted to go to IHOP.  So after bundling up, we ventured out.  We decided to go to Target while we were out.  We were almost out of milk, and could use a few other things since it was, after all, my normal shopping day.  Here is our trip in pictures.

driving down our street

he decided not to wait for a fork.

coming home

having fun in the snow!

Reflux sucks!

Since Elijah was born, he spit up.  A lot.  He was also a very fussy baby, and hated to lay flat (on his back or belly).  He frequently spit up in his sleep, which scared the hell out of me!  He arched his back while nursing, and even in between feedings.  He only wanted to be held upright.  He was constantly rubbing his face and eyes (which I later learned is also a symptom of AR).  He ate small amounts every two hours.  He also frequently had choking episodes, where he would gag/choke on his own spit up, and cry out in pain.  I started wondering if there was something wrong, and after doing some research and talking to other mama's, I came to the conclusion that he has Acid Reflux.

So at his 2 month well check I asked his pediatrician about it.  I said that he spits up a lot, then I was cut off and told this: "Babies spit up."  She also told me that since he's gaining weight just fine (he is a chunker!) that there was nothing to worry about.  Then I was given a piece of paper with (very little) information about AR.  I didn't even get to explain all of his other symptoms before the dr rushed out of the room to see her next patient. 

I was beyond frustrated, since I had already been doing what this sheet of paper recommended.  He already slept on an incline.  I started that when he started spitting up in his sleep.  I already held him upright for 30 minutes after nursing him.  It was then that I decided to find a new doctor for my boys.

I waited until his 4 month well check, though I wish I had taken him in sooner.  His new doctor actually listened to my concerns, and he was officially diagnosed with AR.  She prescribed Zantac, twice a day.  I didn't know much about the reflux medications, so I said okay.  When I got home I started doing some research.  On http://www.babycenter.com/ I found a group for parents of children with AR (The Reflux Rebels: dealing with the other colic-Reflux, MSPI, and other GI issues).  There I found a wonderful support system of moms who have been there/done that.  I learned so much about AR, and just how serious it is.  I found that Elijah has it easy compared to some of these babies.  I even learned the story about a young baby, not even three months old, who became a little angel this past December.  He had severe reflux, delayed gastric emptying, and hypotonia, which caused him to choke from his reflux.  His name was Casey.  His story has touched many hearts, including mine. 

Sadly, most doctors, even GI's, aren't acknowledging that GERD (Gastroeshophageal Reflux Disease) is a real issue.  A lot of babies are diagnosed with "colic".  Or the parents are told that the infant will grow out of it, and there's not much that we can do, excpet deal with it.  I was told that by Elijah's former pedi.  I didn't listen, though, because I knew he was in pain, and that wasn't normal.  If he was in pain, there was a reason, and we needed to do something about it.  GERD can have serious, long term side effects if left untreated.  I wasn't about to let that happen.

In my research, and advice from other mama's on the RR board, I learned that most babies build up an intolerance to Zantac within 7-10 days.  The mama's also told me that the dr would most likely prescribe a low dose of Prevacid compound or Prevacid Solutabs.  They also mentioned that this may not work, either.  Well, at first I thought, whatever, I'll listen to their advice, but go with my doctor for now.  Maybe Elijah will react differently.  I was open to their advice, but also a little guarded since I didn't actually know these people on the internet.

Well, sure enough, around day 8, the Zantac quit working.  It did control the amount of spit up, but not the pain.  So back to the doctor we went.  And guess what?  He was prescribed Prevacid Solutabs, at about 1/2 the dose he should be on for his weight (though the dr did say we could up the dose if needed).  Because the Zantac did control the spit up, in 2 weeks he actually gained over a pound, as well as grew about 1/2"!  I thought, how big would he be if he hadn't been spitting up so much to this point?!  I did some research on this med, and learned that it can take up to 2 weeks to really start working.  I also read that some babies develop insomnia, and that it can suppress their appetitie.  The first week was pure hell!  His reflux came back full force.  I thought, did I do the right thing?  At least he was a little better on the Zantac.  But I stuck with the Solutabs.  The second week was better than the first, but he started waking up in the middle of the night screaming, which is very unusual for him.  Usually he'll nurse, then go right back to sleep.  Also, he started nursing even less. 

Last Friday was the worst day.  He screamed for about 4.5 hours straight.  There was no consoling him.  I had already called his doctor to make an appointment to discuss the dose of his medication, but the appointment wasn't until Monday.  I was sleep deprived, since he hadn't been sleeping well all week.  Of course, Riley decided not to take a nap that day, either.  I called the doctor back to see if they could work him in somehow, but I forgot they close early on Friday, so I was out of luck.  I made it to CVS to try to find Mylanta Cherry Supreme, but I couldn't give it to him within 4 hours of his regular meds.  I think that is a miracle drug!  I gave him some about 1:00, after which he cried himself to sleep on the living room floor.  He didn't even want to be held.  When he woke up about 40 minutes later, he was a whole new baby!  He smiled for the first time that day.  I knew his reflux was still flaring up, but not as bad as earlier that day.

We made it through the weekend, and to our appt on Monday.  He actually lost a couple ounces, and grew about 1/2" in the last 3 weeks.  Turns out Elijah has an ear infection, which was caused either by the mild congestion he developed or the reflux, or a combination.  Since congestion is also a symptom of reflux, I'm guessing it all comes back to AR.  He got a shot of antibiotics for the ear infection.

We discussed changing his meds vs upping his dose of Solutabs.  The dr really wanted to max out his dose before trying a new medicine, so she doubled his it.  So far, it's only been a few days, but I'm not sure it's helping.  He's still having reflux flares.  It sucks not being able to do much when he's in pain.  I would love to switch his medicine, but since we're going on vacation in a couple weeks, I don't want to do anything that might make him worse.  So for now, we will tolerate this medicine.  Solutabs is no longer a preferred script with our insurance, which makes it more expensive than it already was.  They also won't cover the prescribed dose.  The doctor said to give him what she prescribed for now, and we'll re-evaluate in a couple weeks, and deal with the insurance if needed.

But when we get home from our vacation, I plan on ordering Buffer Babies (http://www.refluxsolutions.com/).  BB is a way to make OTC Prevacid or Prilosec into a form for infants.  It does not need a prescription, and also is an affordable option.  I will discuss it with my doctor, of course, and let her do her own research on it.  I've heard so many wonderful stories of BB helping reflux babies when nothing else would.  I was at first very leery about it, but I've done my research.  I believe this may possibly be the answer to helping Elijah feel like a happy baby.  That's all I want!  I've spent too many times crying with him when he screamed in pain.

Basically, it all boils down to this:  Reflux sucks.  I hope that one day very soon the medical community will understand that it is something very serious, and there's no reason for babies to have to deal with the pain.  There's no reason for babies to die because of it.  There's no reason for parents to be stressed out because their child's doctor won't listen to them, or help them. 

If you suspect your child may possibly have reflux, or any milk protein intolerances, please do your research and trust your gut!  You are your child's best advocate!  I am thankful that I have a doctor that is willing to listen and try to help my little one.  I think it's important to balance your intuition as a parent, your trusted doctor's expertise, your research, and also advice from other parents who have been through a similar situation.

If you want more info on relfux, please go to the following websites.  They helped me out tremondously to understand everything reflux related, including the different medications for it.  I'm sure there is a lot of info out there, but these are what have helped me the most.

http://www.marci-kids.com/ (Midwest Acid Reflux Children's Institute)

http://www.refluxrebels.com/ (Reflux Rebels)

http://www.refluxsolutions.com/ (a brand new site with more information about Baby Buffers)

Brotherly Love

When Riley was 16 months old, Ryan and I decided that he needed a little brother or sister to play with.  So I started on a roller coaster of emotions as we began trying to conceive.  Each month I took at least a couple pregnancy tests hoping that I would be pregnant.  But each month I was disappointed.  Mid-February, we decided to wait for a few more months since we knew Ryan was most likely about to start a new job, which offered great benefits.  I was a little sad that it would be a while longer before holding a new baby in my arms, but knew it was for the best. 

One day in mid-March while sitting in Braum's, enjoying a brownie hot fudge sundae with Riley, I felt an odd sensation.  I just knew I was pregnant.  I can't exactly explain exactly how I knew, but I did.  So I stopped at Walmart and picked up yet another pregnancy test.  It was positive!  As soon as we decided to wait is when I got pregnant!  When I was pregnant with Riley, I couldn't wait to see Ryan's face the first time he held his baby boy.  But this time, I couldn't wait to see Riley with his new baby brother or sister! 

We explained to Riley that there was a baby in my tummy, but I don't think he quite understood what that meant.  He knew my belly got big (he told me so!), and he liked hearing the heartbeat at the doctor, but I don't know how much he really understood.  He hugged and kissed my belly, and told the baby "night night".  I knew before Elijah was born that Riley would be a great big brother!!

I had more morning sickness this time, so much that I took vitamin B to help calm my stomach.  I also had severe hip pains off/on throughout the pregnancy.  Even though I gained 10 lbs less than I did with my first pregnancy, my belly was definitely bigger!  After disussing the options with my doctor, I decided to have a repeat c-section.  So late in the pregnancy we scheduled Elijah's birth date!  November 11, 2009 (11/11, which is Veteran's Day!). 

It was a very calm, relaxing experience (at least compared to my first c/s).  I wasn't very nervous about the surgery, but I was very anxious to meet our new little boy!  At 7:46 am, Elijah William Barnhart was born!  He weighed in at 8 lb 10.5 oz, and was 20 3/4" long!  I didn't see him at first (since there was a curtain in the way), but the doctor and nurses commented on how big he was!  Ryan went and took pictures, but it was still a few minutes before I could see him up close.  He was beautiful!  His face was all squishy and just so cute!

When Riley first saw Elijah, he didn't seem to sure what to think.  He loved on him and hugged him!  He gave him lots of kisses! 

Riley is still the best big brother!  Elijah loves to watch his big brother go crazy!  He has a special laugh reserved just for Riley.  I love watching them grow up together!  Riley sings to Elijah when he cries.  He brings him toys to play with and they laugh together.  Riley even entertains Elijah in the car! 

I always knew that someday I would love being a mommy, and that I would love my kids.  Now that I am a mommy, I love them so much more than I could ever have imagined!  They are the best gifts God has ever have given me!  Nothing can describe the joy my children bring me!  Even on my most stressed out day, it melts my heart to hear Riley say "I wuv you, Mommy!" and to see Elijah's precious smile!