One Year

I wasn't sure how I would feel today.  And I'm still not quite sure.  I actually wrote most of this a few days ago because I wasn't sure if the words would come to me today.  But actually sharing this post is more difficult than I thought it would be....

One year ago this morning we woke up, not knowing what the day would bring.  We went through our day, our normal Saturday routine.  We were excited for our date night.  The kids were excited their Nonnie and Pops were coming to babysit. 


One year ago today our lives were forever changed. It took only an instant. But that instant will last a lifetime.

What a difference a day makes.


I just re-read the post I wrote about 4 months after the accident detailing the events of that night.  It was hard to read.  I think even harder than writing it.  That night changed everything.  That night....

April 16, 2011. 

A date that I will never forget.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the events of the last year.  The good times, and the bad.  There has been pain, both physical and emotional.  A total of 6 surgeries, and bad reactions to the anesthesia and pain meds.  Nearly 6 months of painful physical therapy.  And it's not over.  I return to the doctor next week to check the fibula fracture, which I don't think is fully healed.  There have been hard times with the kids, as they tried to process what happened.  There has been anger, sadness, grieving, frustration.  Mostly, there has been a lot of change.  The reality that my leg will never be the same.  Learning to deal with the chronic pain, and the fact that I can't do as much as I used to.

Despite all of that, the moments that stand out most to me are good ones.

Riley coming to visit me on Easter at the hospital.  He brought me some of his candy, and a bunny for me to sleep with.

My family and friends who were there for our family.

The meals that were brought to our house.

My mom moving in with us for 5 months, even though it was difficult on my parents (she had to quit her job, and my dad had to pack, move, and unpack on his own).

The prayers and support from people I've never even met.


The flowers from the family of the girl who hit us that I received in the hospital.

Encouraging words, thanking me for sharing our story.

Learning to forgive.

Riley and Eli celebrating birthdays, and growing closer each day.  And yes, this includes fighting more, but they are best friends.  Riley told me so.

Our niece being born (Ryan's sis and her hubby's baby).

Going to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece in California. 

Ryan and I spending our 5 year wedding anniversary in San Antonio, kid free. 

Thanksgiving, when we had so much to be thankful for.  Truly thankful. 

Christmas morning.  I remember sitting there so incredibly thankful that I was able to see the pure joy on my kid's faces.

Being able to celebrate a New Year.

My 30th Birthday!  Yes, I have good memories of turning 30.

Another trip to visit my brother and his daughter in California.  Only this time his wife was deployed to Afghanistan. :(  But we had a fun trip to Sea World, the beach, and enjoyed watching the cousins play together!

Shopping for baseball gloves with the boys.  They had to try on the pink helmets, too.  ;)

 
Getting a new tattoo.  I wanted something to represent our accident, something that forever changed our lives.  Ever since I've known Ryan, I have always said a quick prayer when he rides (whether I was with him or not) that God would send His angels to protect him/us (hence, the angel wings).  Yes, we were hit.  But I still truly believe that God was there, holding us up, surrounding us with His love, grace, and mercy.  He carried us through  He DID protect us.  He still is protecting us.  And He always will protect us. 

I could go on and on.  I have SO many wonderful memories.  Some of them I was in a wheelchair, others on crutches, but I was there.  I was able to enjoy those precious moments.  My foot is still part of my body, and I can walk.  I can hug my kids and my husband.  I know I sound cheesy and sentimental now.  But despite all of the bad, the good moments are what I will remember most. 

If I were to sum up the last year in one word, it would be THANKFUL. 

Guilt.

What is it about guilt?  It seems to follow me everywhere.  I have struggled with a few things recently, and guilt is the cause of that struggle.  It is not easy to share these things with the world, but here goes...


I feel guilty for saying "Yes" to something because it takes time away from my family, and also myself.  Or it causes me to neglect another area of my life.

I feel guilty for saying "No" to something, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. Especially when that something is good.   (see my dilemma here?)

I feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated about the accident, resulting injuries, related family issues, and the long-term limitations I will have to deal with. 

I feel guilty because I should just be thankful to be alive and that I can walk.  It feels wrong to have those feelings when I could have lost my foot... or my life. 

I feel guilty because those feelings are what I would have if I haven't truly forgiven the person who made a mistake. 


Guilt is a basic human emotion that we feel after doing something wrong.  It is normal.  We normally apologize to whomever we have wronged.  But, why is it that I feel guilt when I haven't done anything wrong?  And who to I apologize to if I haven't wronged anyone?  Why is it that no matter what I do, guilt finds a way to gnaw at me, making me second guess everything?  Why can't I just say "No" without that guilt?  Why can't I just feel without that guilt? 

Satan plants that seed of guilt in my mind.  He is trying to stop me from doing my best.  He is trying to sabotage relationships.  He is trying to stop me from doing good.  He wants that guilt to stop me.  He wants that guilt to pull me down and isolate me.

I am learning to let go of that guilt.  It's not easy.  It keeps popping back up. 

I just attended an amazing Women's Retreat with ladies from a wonderful church!  It was definitely a spiritual renewal.  I finally allowed myself to admit that I need a lot of emotional healing after the accident.  The physical is about as good as it's going to get.  I accept that my leg will never be the same.  But I refuse to allow my spirit to be held back because I allowed the guilt to prevent me from dealing with the emotions I have. 

One of the speakers addressed another area that I have been struggling with, saying "No".  I have a hard time saying that 2 letter word to projects that I am passionate about.  The speaker shared that saying "No" is not always saying "No" to God.  That sometimes saying "No" is really saying "Yes" to Jesus!  I needed to hear those words.  I am now beginning to feel at peace with saying "No".  I know that in saying "No" to some things, I am saying "Yes" to my family, myself, and to whatever God has in store for me.  It is okay to say "No".  And it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I am also starting to accept the fact that it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about the accident, and the last 10 months of our life.  It is okay for me to feel those things about the future that will forever be changed because of the accident.  It does not mean that I am not thankful.  It does not make me weak.  It only makes me stronger for admitting that I need God's comfort and healing. 

Feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated also does not mean that I have not truly forgiven the young girl who hit us.  Those feelings are not towards her in any way.  They are about the situation, the life I had before, and the life that will forever be restricted.  It pains me to know that I can't run and play with my kids.  Every step I take is painful.  You may not notice it, because I hide it well, and I have learned to deal with it.  I accept that the physical pain is just part of my life now.  Each step is a reminder of not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain, as well.  My life will never be the same, in so many ways.

I feel like I am mourning the loss of the life we had before.  The life where I could walk pain-free.  Where I could run with my kids.  Where my 4 year old son never had PTSD.  Where we didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what has happened in the last 10 months.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of things I will not be able to do with my kids.

Yes, there are many things I can do.  But it is a fact that there are some things that I can't.  And it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about that.  It is okay to mourn the things I can no longer do. 

It is okay because I am still thankful.  I have forgiven the driver.  And I am still loved by the One who created me.  The One who saved us (both spiritually and physically).  The One who has greater plans for me.  He is my rock and my salvation.  God has told me it is okay to let that guilt go and give it to Him. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 13

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Psalms 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

How GREAT is our God!

Update 4/25/11

Ryan had his stitches taken out today, and was released to go back to work. After watching Riley at gymnastics for a little while, he is now on his way in to the office to take care of whatever paperwork he needs to fill out to go back f/t tomorrow.
I am currently waiting on the rehab to get the insurance stuff taken care of so I can be released from the hospital. I will be going to Contiuum Rehab in Flower Mound. It is a brand new facility, near 1171 and 2499. How long I stay will depend on how my progress goes. They said typical stays are 1-2 weeks. Please pray for strength during my 3 hours of rehab each day. I am nervous about the pain, but know I need to push through in order to go home.

Because of my injuries, I can not put any weight on my left foot. However, my right pelvic bone is broken. As of now, nothing has shifted, but please pray that everything stays where it is and nothing shifts in my pelvic bone during my therapy.

My mom is taking the boys to Wichita Falls this week so she can take care of a few things at home. When she returns, she is going to stay as long as we need her, which could be a couple of months. I will be in a combination of a wheelchair, walker, and crutches for the next 8 weeks or so.

I also ask that you say a prayer for the 16 year old driver who hit me. I cannot imagine how she is feeling right now. This is a very difficult learning experience, especially at such a young age. It's something she will live with the rest of her life. I pray that she is able to forgive herself and move on. I am struggling with the words I want to express to her, so I have put off writing to her. I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her family, as well as a kind note letting me know of their prayers. I am unsure of how to reassure her that I have forgiven her, and hold no ill will towards her. I hope that whatever words I do write help her forgive herself, which is the hardest thing to do.

While I have a long road to recovery, I know that God is with us. He was with us during the accident, and protected us. He has been with us during recovery, and will continue to be there through it all.

Thanks again for all of your concern and well wishes! It really means more than you know.

Keep your eyes open!!

Some of you may know, but for those who don't, I thought I'd share.

Ryan and I had a great date night Saturday 4/16.  On our way home, just a few minutes away, we were in a motorcycle accident.  There were 2 left turn lanes, we were in the one that could either go left or straight.  There was a car (behind us, that we couldn't see) in the left turn only lane.  When we were turning left, that car attempted to go straight, and t-boned us.  Ryan and I were both flown from the motorcycle.  My leg was crushed bewteern the car's bumber and our bike.  And apparently, I ended up on the car's hood and smashed my head on her windshield.

I could not get up, but Ryan was able to get up and walk.  He didn't realize it at the time, but he had a large gash on his left knee that was bleeding pretty good.  The fire department and ambulance came, and of course the police.  The 16 year old driver who hit us did stop (and yes, she is insured).

At the emergency room, they took me to get several CT scans, on my head, neck, back. both legs (esp my left), and my abdomen.  Miraculously, my left ankle was not shattered, like everyone suspected.  That was (and is) my source of pain.  My head, back, and abdomen came back clear, as well as my right leg (which is just bruised).

My pelvic bone is cracked, however, it is a clean break and there's not much they can do (other than make sure I take it very easy and don't knock it out of place).  There is also a clean break in my fibula (the smaller bone in my lower leg, not a weight bearing bone).

They gave Ryan both internal and external stitches to his gash.  He also has a huge bruise, which covers the entire back side of his left thigh.  He was released from the ER early Sunday morning, never admitted to the hospital.

The worst injury was to my left heel/foot/ankle.  Early Sunday morning, I was taken to surgery where they cleaned the wound on my heel (it was "degloved", meaning the skin and padding was pulled back, exposing the bone and achilles tendon).  They cleaned it up and put a wound vac on it. 

I had another surgery this morning to clean up and look at my heel some more.  They removed the deep wound vac from my heel, reattached everything, and put another wound vac on (this time just under the surface).  They had to add 2 screws to my ankle, even though it's not broken, the tendons are pretty messed up and need some help.  I am also wearing a soft cast/splint to keep it stable.

I will be here another couple of days, and may go to rehab for a few days before going home.  It all depends on how things go in physical therapy tomorrow.  I am not looking forward to the PT, since I know it's going to hurt....bad.  But, I'll do what needs to be done.  I'm having to learn to be still and let others take care of me.  It's usually the other way around, so that aspect is very hard. 

I have also been reminded of how many wonderful people God has surrounded me with.  So many prayers are being lifted up, offers of help around the house and with the boys, offers to wash E's cloth diapers, meals are even being made and taken to my house (where my mom is staying with the kids).

Things could have been much worse.  We were both wearing helmets and leather jackets, which saved us from far worse injuries.  However, this could have been prevented if the young driver of the car had paid a little more attention to the road signs, and to those around her.  This is something I'm sure she will never forget, and will have to live with the rest of her life.  I do forgive her, and hope that she is one day able to move past this accident.

As the weather turns nicer, please PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE AROUND YOU!!  Especially motorcycles.  More and more bikers will be out as the weather warms up.  Even with all of the safety gear, you are far more protected in your car than they are on their bike.  So what would have been a minor accident in a car, was a major trama on a motorcycle.  I can not even think about what would have happened had we not been wearing helmets.  Especially after learnimg my head crushed her windshield.

Thank you for the continued support and prayers!  We are definitely feeling God's love and healing powers.  I will try to keep you updated as I'm able to.