One Year

I wasn't sure how I would feel today.  And I'm still not quite sure.  I actually wrote most of this a few days ago because I wasn't sure if the words would come to me today.  But actually sharing this post is more difficult than I thought it would be....

One year ago this morning we woke up, not knowing what the day would bring.  We went through our day, our normal Saturday routine.  We were excited for our date night.  The kids were excited their Nonnie and Pops were coming to babysit. 


One year ago today our lives were forever changed. It took only an instant. But that instant will last a lifetime.

What a difference a day makes.


I just re-read the post I wrote about 4 months after the accident detailing the events of that night.  It was hard to read.  I think even harder than writing it.  That night changed everything.  That night....

April 16, 2011. 

A date that I will never forget.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the events of the last year.  The good times, and the bad.  There has been pain, both physical and emotional.  A total of 6 surgeries, and bad reactions to the anesthesia and pain meds.  Nearly 6 months of painful physical therapy.  And it's not over.  I return to the doctor next week to check the fibula fracture, which I don't think is fully healed.  There have been hard times with the kids, as they tried to process what happened.  There has been anger, sadness, grieving, frustration.  Mostly, there has been a lot of change.  The reality that my leg will never be the same.  Learning to deal with the chronic pain, and the fact that I can't do as much as I used to.

Despite all of that, the moments that stand out most to me are good ones.

Riley coming to visit me on Easter at the hospital.  He brought me some of his candy, and a bunny for me to sleep with.

My family and friends who were there for our family.

The meals that were brought to our house.

My mom moving in with us for 5 months, even though it was difficult on my parents (she had to quit her job, and my dad had to pack, move, and unpack on his own).

The prayers and support from people I've never even met.


The flowers from the family of the girl who hit us that I received in the hospital.

Encouraging words, thanking me for sharing our story.

Learning to forgive.

Riley and Eli celebrating birthdays, and growing closer each day.  And yes, this includes fighting more, but they are best friends.  Riley told me so.

Our niece being born (Ryan's sis and her hubby's baby).

Going to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece in California. 

Ryan and I spending our 5 year wedding anniversary in San Antonio, kid free. 

Thanksgiving, when we had so much to be thankful for.  Truly thankful. 

Christmas morning.  I remember sitting there so incredibly thankful that I was able to see the pure joy on my kid's faces.

Being able to celebrate a New Year.

My 30th Birthday!  Yes, I have good memories of turning 30.

Another trip to visit my brother and his daughter in California.  Only this time his wife was deployed to Afghanistan. :(  But we had a fun trip to Sea World, the beach, and enjoyed watching the cousins play together!

Shopping for baseball gloves with the boys.  They had to try on the pink helmets, too.  ;)

 
Getting a new tattoo.  I wanted something to represent our accident, something that forever changed our lives.  Ever since I've known Ryan, I have always said a quick prayer when he rides (whether I was with him or not) that God would send His angels to protect him/us (hence, the angel wings).  Yes, we were hit.  But I still truly believe that God was there, holding us up, surrounding us with His love, grace, and mercy.  He carried us through  He DID protect us.  He still is protecting us.  And He always will protect us. 

I could go on and on.  I have SO many wonderful memories.  Some of them I was in a wheelchair, others on crutches, but I was there.  I was able to enjoy those precious moments.  My foot is still part of my body, and I can walk.  I can hug my kids and my husband.  I know I sound cheesy and sentimental now.  But despite all of the bad, the good moments are what I will remember most. 

If I were to sum up the last year in one word, it would be THANKFUL. 

Guilt.

What is it about guilt?  It seems to follow me everywhere.  I have struggled with a few things recently, and guilt is the cause of that struggle.  It is not easy to share these things with the world, but here goes...


I feel guilty for saying "Yes" to something because it takes time away from my family, and also myself.  Or it causes me to neglect another area of my life.

I feel guilty for saying "No" to something, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. Especially when that something is good.   (see my dilemma here?)

I feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated about the accident, resulting injuries, related family issues, and the long-term limitations I will have to deal with. 

I feel guilty because I should just be thankful to be alive and that I can walk.  It feels wrong to have those feelings when I could have lost my foot... or my life. 

I feel guilty because those feelings are what I would have if I haven't truly forgiven the person who made a mistake. 


Guilt is a basic human emotion that we feel after doing something wrong.  It is normal.  We normally apologize to whomever we have wronged.  But, why is it that I feel guilt when I haven't done anything wrong?  And who to I apologize to if I haven't wronged anyone?  Why is it that no matter what I do, guilt finds a way to gnaw at me, making me second guess everything?  Why can't I just say "No" without that guilt?  Why can't I just feel without that guilt? 

Satan plants that seed of guilt in my mind.  He is trying to stop me from doing my best.  He is trying to sabotage relationships.  He is trying to stop me from doing good.  He wants that guilt to stop me.  He wants that guilt to pull me down and isolate me.

I am learning to let go of that guilt.  It's not easy.  It keeps popping back up. 

I just attended an amazing Women's Retreat with ladies from a wonderful church!  It was definitely a spiritual renewal.  I finally allowed myself to admit that I need a lot of emotional healing after the accident.  The physical is about as good as it's going to get.  I accept that my leg will never be the same.  But I refuse to allow my spirit to be held back because I allowed the guilt to prevent me from dealing with the emotions I have. 

One of the speakers addressed another area that I have been struggling with, saying "No".  I have a hard time saying that 2 letter word to projects that I am passionate about.  The speaker shared that saying "No" is not always saying "No" to God.  That sometimes saying "No" is really saying "Yes" to Jesus!  I needed to hear those words.  I am now beginning to feel at peace with saying "No".  I know that in saying "No" to some things, I am saying "Yes" to my family, myself, and to whatever God has in store for me.  It is okay to say "No".  And it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I am also starting to accept the fact that it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about the accident, and the last 10 months of our life.  It is okay for me to feel those things about the future that will forever be changed because of the accident.  It does not mean that I am not thankful.  It does not make me weak.  It only makes me stronger for admitting that I need God's comfort and healing. 

Feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated also does not mean that I have not truly forgiven the young girl who hit us.  Those feelings are not towards her in any way.  They are about the situation, the life I had before, and the life that will forever be restricted.  It pains me to know that I can't run and play with my kids.  Every step I take is painful.  You may not notice it, because I hide it well, and I have learned to deal with it.  I accept that the physical pain is just part of my life now.  Each step is a reminder of not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain, as well.  My life will never be the same, in so many ways.

I feel like I am mourning the loss of the life we had before.  The life where I could walk pain-free.  Where I could run with my kids.  Where my 4 year old son never had PTSD.  Where we didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what has happened in the last 10 months.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of things I will not be able to do with my kids.

Yes, there are many things I can do.  But it is a fact that there are some things that I can't.  And it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about that.  It is okay to mourn the things I can no longer do. 

It is okay because I am still thankful.  I have forgiven the driver.  And I am still loved by the One who created me.  The One who saved us (both spiritually and physically).  The One who has greater plans for me.  He is my rock and my salvation.  God has told me it is okay to let that guilt go and give it to Him. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 13

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Psalms 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

How GREAT is our God!

Forgiveness

When we forgive someone it means: to grant pardon for or
remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); to give up all claim on account of; to
grant pardon to (a person); to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive
one’s enemies. 

 I don’t think any of us REALLY grasp the full IMPACT of the action of
forgiving others for what they have done to us. “Well, I simply cannot forgive
or forget what that person did to me!” YES YOU CAN! If not, God would have
never told you to forgive others. He will never tells us to do that which we
cannot do. The thing we must do is CHOOSE to love that person the way you would love them if they had not done that thing at all. “Yeah, but they
DID do it!” No, no, no….remember forgiveness is to give up all claim on
account of; to grant pardon to a person as if it never even happened. So, if it
never happened, it’s OVER, DONE, FINISHED. Love ‘em like you loved them
BEFORE it happened.

 Maybe these verses will help.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly
Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins,
your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15 NIV) 

“In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do.
You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving
others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part. (Matthew 6:14-15 MSG)

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