One Year

I wasn't sure how I would feel today.  And I'm still not quite sure.  I actually wrote most of this a few days ago because I wasn't sure if the words would come to me today.  But actually sharing this post is more difficult than I thought it would be....

One year ago this morning we woke up, not knowing what the day would bring.  We went through our day, our normal Saturday routine.  We were excited for our date night.  The kids were excited their Nonnie and Pops were coming to babysit. 


One year ago today our lives were forever changed. It took only an instant. But that instant will last a lifetime.

What a difference a day makes.


I just re-read the post I wrote about 4 months after the accident detailing the events of that night.  It was hard to read.  I think even harder than writing it.  That night changed everything.  That night....

April 16, 2011. 

A date that I will never forget.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the events of the last year.  The good times, and the bad.  There has been pain, both physical and emotional.  A total of 6 surgeries, and bad reactions to the anesthesia and pain meds.  Nearly 6 months of painful physical therapy.  And it's not over.  I return to the doctor next week to check the fibula fracture, which I don't think is fully healed.  There have been hard times with the kids, as they tried to process what happened.  There has been anger, sadness, grieving, frustration.  Mostly, there has been a lot of change.  The reality that my leg will never be the same.  Learning to deal with the chronic pain, and the fact that I can't do as much as I used to.

Despite all of that, the moments that stand out most to me are good ones.

Riley coming to visit me on Easter at the hospital.  He brought me some of his candy, and a bunny for me to sleep with.

My family and friends who were there for our family.

The meals that were brought to our house.

My mom moving in with us for 5 months, even though it was difficult on my parents (she had to quit her job, and my dad had to pack, move, and unpack on his own).

The prayers and support from people I've never even met.


The flowers from the family of the girl who hit us that I received in the hospital.

Encouraging words, thanking me for sharing our story.

Learning to forgive.

Riley and Eli celebrating birthdays, and growing closer each day.  And yes, this includes fighting more, but they are best friends.  Riley told me so.

Our niece being born (Ryan's sis and her hubby's baby).

Going to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece in California. 

Ryan and I spending our 5 year wedding anniversary in San Antonio, kid free. 

Thanksgiving, when we had so much to be thankful for.  Truly thankful. 

Christmas morning.  I remember sitting there so incredibly thankful that I was able to see the pure joy on my kid's faces.

Being able to celebrate a New Year.

My 30th Birthday!  Yes, I have good memories of turning 30.

Another trip to visit my brother and his daughter in California.  Only this time his wife was deployed to Afghanistan. :(  But we had a fun trip to Sea World, the beach, and enjoyed watching the cousins play together!

Shopping for baseball gloves with the boys.  They had to try on the pink helmets, too.  ;)

 
Getting a new tattoo.  I wanted something to represent our accident, something that forever changed our lives.  Ever since I've known Ryan, I have always said a quick prayer when he rides (whether I was with him or not) that God would send His angels to protect him/us (hence, the angel wings).  Yes, we were hit.  But I still truly believe that God was there, holding us up, surrounding us with His love, grace, and mercy.  He carried us through  He DID protect us.  He still is protecting us.  And He always will protect us. 

I could go on and on.  I have SO many wonderful memories.  Some of them I was in a wheelchair, others on crutches, but I was there.  I was able to enjoy those precious moments.  My foot is still part of my body, and I can walk.  I can hug my kids and my husband.  I know I sound cheesy and sentimental now.  But despite all of the bad, the good moments are what I will remember most. 

If I were to sum up the last year in one word, it would be THANKFUL. 

Guilt.

What is it about guilt?  It seems to follow me everywhere.  I have struggled with a few things recently, and guilt is the cause of that struggle.  It is not easy to share these things with the world, but here goes...


I feel guilty for saying "Yes" to something because it takes time away from my family, and also myself.  Or it causes me to neglect another area of my life.

I feel guilty for saying "No" to something, especially when it's something I'm passionate about. Especially when that something is good.   (see my dilemma here?)

I feel guilty for feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated about the accident, resulting injuries, related family issues, and the long-term limitations I will have to deal with. 

I feel guilty because I should just be thankful to be alive and that I can walk.  It feels wrong to have those feelings when I could have lost my foot... or my life. 

I feel guilty because those feelings are what I would have if I haven't truly forgiven the person who made a mistake. 


Guilt is a basic human emotion that we feel after doing something wrong.  It is normal.  We normally apologize to whomever we have wronged.  But, why is it that I feel guilt when I haven't done anything wrong?  And who to I apologize to if I haven't wronged anyone?  Why is it that no matter what I do, guilt finds a way to gnaw at me, making me second guess everything?  Why can't I just say "No" without that guilt?  Why can't I just feel without that guilt? 

Satan plants that seed of guilt in my mind.  He is trying to stop me from doing my best.  He is trying to sabotage relationships.  He is trying to stop me from doing good.  He wants that guilt to stop me.  He wants that guilt to pull me down and isolate me.

I am learning to let go of that guilt.  It's not easy.  It keeps popping back up. 

I just attended an amazing Women's Retreat with ladies from a wonderful church!  It was definitely a spiritual renewal.  I finally allowed myself to admit that I need a lot of emotional healing after the accident.  The physical is about as good as it's going to get.  I accept that my leg will never be the same.  But I refuse to allow my spirit to be held back because I allowed the guilt to prevent me from dealing with the emotions I have. 

One of the speakers addressed another area that I have been struggling with, saying "No".  I have a hard time saying that 2 letter word to projects that I am passionate about.  The speaker shared that saying "No" is not always saying "No" to God.  That sometimes saying "No" is really saying "Yes" to Jesus!  I needed to hear those words.  I am now beginning to feel at peace with saying "No".  I know that in saying "No" to some things, I am saying "Yes" to my family, myself, and to whatever God has in store for me.  It is okay to say "No".  And it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I am also starting to accept the fact that it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about the accident, and the last 10 months of our life.  It is okay for me to feel those things about the future that will forever be changed because of the accident.  It does not mean that I am not thankful.  It does not make me weak.  It only makes me stronger for admitting that I need God's comfort and healing. 

Feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated also does not mean that I have not truly forgiven the young girl who hit us.  Those feelings are not towards her in any way.  They are about the situation, the life I had before, and the life that will forever be restricted.  It pains me to know that I can't run and play with my kids.  Every step I take is painful.  You may not notice it, because I hide it well, and I have learned to deal with it.  I accept that the physical pain is just part of my life now.  Each step is a reminder of not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain, as well.  My life will never be the same, in so many ways.

I feel like I am mourning the loss of the life we had before.  The life where I could walk pain-free.  Where I could run with my kids.  Where my 4 year old son never had PTSD.  Where we didn't have to deal with the emotional pain of what has happened in the last 10 months.  I feel like I am mourning the loss of things I will not be able to do with my kids.

Yes, there are many things I can do.  But it is a fact that there are some things that I can't.  And it is okay for me to feel hurt, angry, and frustrated about that.  It is okay to mourn the things I can no longer do. 

It is okay because I am still thankful.  I have forgiven the driver.  And I am still loved by the One who created me.  The One who saved us (both spiritually and physically).  The One who has greater plans for me.  He is my rock and my salvation.  God has told me it is okay to let that guilt go and give it to Him. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 13

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Psalms 28:7

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

How GREAT is our God!

This year WILL be better!

Hello, old friends!  It has been way too long since I've had a chance to sit down and write.  I've missed it.  So this post is kinda long, playing catch up.  But I've included pics of my cute boys to make up for it!

A lot has happened in the last few months, including 3 major holidays, Eli's 2nd birthday, knee surgery, lots of physical therapy, my uncle passed away after a sudden stroke, Ryan's great-uncle passed away, my computer crashed, the DFW Cloth Diaper Project officially launched, and the DFW Cloth Diaper Group has grown to nearly 1,000 "likes".  Oh, and Ryan went on his first ride since the accident.  It was for a great cause, a motorcycle toy ride, but my nerves were beyond frayed that day.  All this on top of the normal daily routine with 2 young kids.  Things have been hectic, to say the least.

Things got so busy we didn't even have an actual party for Eli, just a fun family lunch at Babe's Chicken House!  Riley ate 7 pieces of smoked chicken and a cupcake.  Eli loved all the attention!

This is piece #6.  It really is that good.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Eli!

Yes, I mentioned more surgery.  Which makes #6 in an 8 month span.  This one was on the knee.  I finally went to see about it (since 2.5 months of PT didn't help as much as it should have).  They did an MRI and scheduled more PT.  After 4 additional weeks of PT, the doctor told me I had 3 choices:

1. Live with the pain.  Yeah, not happening.
2. Try more physical therapy.  Um, I've had a total of 3.5 months on it, 2-3 x's a week.  It's not better.
3. Do orthoscopic surgery to fix the tiny tear he thinks he saw on the MRI. 

So surgery it was.  On December 9 (just 2 weeks before Christmas), I had my knee scoped, and it was the best decision!  I am exactly one month out of surgery, and my knee is world's better!  I have a general soreness from surgery, but the sharp pain is gone.  I can walk through the store without feeling like somebody is stabbing me in the knee with each step.  He sutured a partial tear in the medial meniscus.  And also "filed" down some scar tissue on one of the bones.  It feels like my knee will be somewhat "normal" again once it's fully healed. 

Left knee a couple days post-op.

Scarring on the bone before he filed it down.

I just finished the last of my PT.  I am done, and it feels so strange.  Only one more doctor's appointment, a follow up on my knee (which the doctor said is looking great!).  And then I will be completely done!!  It feels so freeing to be (almost) done with all of the appointments.  I've had 4 different doctors (orthopedic surgeon, plastic surgeon, podiatrist, and a sport's medicine doctor; and one awesome physical therapist!).  Am I completely back to how I was before?  No.  And I never will be.

The long term effects are now apparent.  I can't squat.  At all.  My ankle just won't bend.  And my physical therapist told me that while it's not impossible, it will be very difficult for me to be able to run again.  Not that I'm a runner, or do frequent marathons (ok, none).  But I've always thought that maybe someday I would do one.  Just to prove I could.  But chances of that happening are small.  At least, running one.  I could always walk it.  I'm not even concerned about that.  My focus is more on the simple things, like What if my kid runs to the street or parking lot and I can't chase them?  I can't do that.  And it's frustrating.  And scary. 

When I returned to PT for my knee and ankle in November, I got a special splint that will help the range of motion in my ankle.  It helps some, but not a lot.  The biggest problem is I can't walk in it.  That's impossible with kids.  So, the best time to wear it is when I'm sleeping.  But it's uncomfortable, and I can't sleep with it on.  Ideally, I should wear it 12 hours a day for maximum benefit.  That doesn't happen.  I'm lucky if I wear it 2.  The PT said to use it for a couple more months before returning it. 

I wore this stylish shoe for a couple months before seeing about my knee. 
It kept all pressure off my heel so the one spot where the skin graft didn't
"take" could heal properly.  Skin grafts on the heel are a tricky thing.

The not-so-awesome-and-very-uncomfortable ankle splint I get to wear.

I am finally feeling like I can do some things without great pain.  Like cooking and light cleaning.  Picking things up is hard, since I can't squat.  But I like that I feel well enough to do this stuff.  Only problem is, I'm out of the habit.  It's been 9 months since the accident.  I'm having to figure out my new "normal".  I can't physically function the same as before, but it really won't improve much more.  So I just have to figure it all out, and deal with any discomfort.  It's not easy.

Today I took the kids to the mall to get a haircut, eat lunch, and let them play.  It's cold and wet outside, so I thought I'd let them run off some energy.  Eli was super cranky.  I forgot the stroller wasn't in the car.  I didn't worry, since I figured we'd just get a mall stroller.  But the atm wasn't working, and the machine only took cash.  I had 3 $1 bills.  It cost $5.  So, no stroller.  Eli wanted me to carry him.  The whole time.  Not only is he heavy (about 33 lbs), but the extra weight still hurts my leg.  I can only tolerate carrying him for a few minutes.  If I didn't carry him, he stood there screaming.  If I carried him, it hurt.  I was frustrated, as eyes started at me as if I was torturing my child, that I couldn't carry him easily.  Normally, I don't let the stares bother me.  But today it did.  I felt like a bad mom because I can't carry my child without pain.  I know, I'm not really a bad mom.  But it's still frustrating that I can't carry him when he wants/needs a little extra comfort. 

I'll figure it out.  I know I will, and these frustrations will be a thing of the past.  I'm still so thankful that Ryan and I did not die in that accident.  I'm also thankful that I still have my foot.  And that I can walk.  And hold my kids and watch them grow and learn each day.  My heart aches when I think about what could have happened.  God has blessed us beyond what we deserve!  He has been right here with us the whole time, giving us the strength and comfort we need.  I still need that strength and comfort.  I think the end of this chapter in our lives has been harder than the beginning. 

I was sad on Saturday as I watched Ryan and the boys play Hide and Go Seek in the yard.  I wanted to run and chase after them, and I was reminded of what I won't be able to do with my kids.  I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of my old "normal" life, when I had no restrictions on what I could do.  But when I get a little down about this, I just need to look at 2 wonderful little faces to remind me of how truly blessed I am.  I may not be able to run after them, but they can run to me.  And for that, I am thankful.  And my heart is full. 

Changed.

Last week I had an appointment with the play therapist who will work with Riley.  The place is about 40 minutes from our house (without traffic), much further than I had wanted.  But when I have so many recommendations for one particular place, that is where I will go! 

On my way there, traffic came to a dead stop.  Behind me I heard sirens, so I pulled over as far as I could on the busy highway to let the emergency vehicles through.  I thought, uh oh.  It's been a very long time since I've driven in rush hour traffic on a busy highway.  I was quickly reminded just how impatient people are to get to wherever it is they are going. 

Everyone seemed to think that this accident ahead was just something that will delay their trip home, to dinner, a date, a meeting, wherever they need to be.  So self absorbed that they forget that up ahead, someone's life just changed.  Or possibly ended, if the accident was really bad.  They don't think about the people invloved in the accident, or those going to help them.  And it's more than just them.  It's also the families of the ones involved.  What about their kids?  Spouse?  Parents?  It effects them, too.

Maybe it was the fact that I was on my way to talk about my son's PTSD, which was a result of our accident.  Or maybe it was the fact that I was listening to Casting Crown's.  Either way, I actually teared up thinking about how the lives of those ahead were just changed. 

In the last 15.5 weeks since that night, our lives have been different.  Yes, we are doing fine and are very fortunate that we are still here to tell the tale.  But our lives are different.  My parents lives are different, as my mom is still staying with us to help me while Ryan is at work.  My kids' lives are different.  The life of the girl who hit us is different, and so is her family's.  For better or worse, we are all changed because of one moment in time. 

I've been thinking a lot recently about those emergency workers who helped us.  The police, the firefighters and paramedics.  The good samaritans who stopped to help and call 911.  The emergency workers were just doing their job.  I don't remember a single name or face (I was slightly distracted by the worst pain I have ever felt).  But I do remember how they calmed me down (I was in "fight or flight mode", as one paramedic put it).  One paramedic held my hand as the others worked on stablizing my foot (it had no pulse, my heel bone and achilles tendon were completely exposed).  I had no clue what they were doing, but the simple act of holding my hand was comforting.  Ryan was already in another ambulance on his way to the hospital, so he couldn't be there next to me. 

Every time I see any emergency workers in The Colony, I wonder if they worked the accident.  On Monday I took myself and the boys to lunch at Chick Fil A.  A group of firefighters/paramedics walked in to order as we were leaving.  On a whim, I turned around and asked the closest one to me if he worked a motorcycle accident a few months ago.  He did.  I was finally able to put a face to one of the strangers who helped us, and tell him thank you. 

My boys playing in
the fire truck!

Last night was National Night Out, which means block party time!  Every year, a police car and fire truck stop by to visit.  I asked the officers if they worked the accident, which they did not.  But one of the sergeants knew about the accident, and that it was a high school girl who hit us.  But 2 of the firefighters/paramedics did.  They remembered the accident in detail, and were very happy to see we are doing well!  Again, I was able to thank them for their help, and everything they do.  It was one of these 2 that told me I was in "fight or flight mode". 

A long time ago, someone suggested instead of cursing or complaining when you hear sirens, say a prayer for whoever they are going to help, and also for the emergency workers.  That has always stuck with me.  I still do it to this day.  The tricky part is to also say a prayer of thanks when you get a speeding ticket.  Maybe that traffic stop prevented an accident that could change your life forever, and the life of someone you'll never meet. 

By the way, that accident that happened last week on my way to the play therapist was minor.  A lot of damage to the cars, but everyone appeared to be okay.  I breathed a big sigh of relief for them.

What is one moment in your life, big or small, that has changed you?

Freedom!

I just got home from an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon.  This was a big appointment for me, with several questions about my recovery.

First of all, it's all looking great!  My plastic surgeon cleared me two weeks ago to lose the boot I've been wearing for so long, but I had to wait for this appointment to see what the ortho said.  The 2 screws in my left ankle are still there and in place.  Problem is, with my already skinny ankles and the muscle atrophy, my ankle is down to nothing!  I can touch my thumb and middle finger together when I wrap them around it.  So because of this, and also the range of motion I'm slowly gaining, I have been able to feel the 2 screws, on either side of my ankle (inside and out).

He told me before that it was a 50/50 chance of having the screws removed.  If they broke, then they could stay.  But they are still intact.  And since my ankle has no muscle, fat, or tissue to cushion the screws (which is why I can feel them), he is recommending they come out.  So in about 4 weeks I will go in for Surgery #5 to have them removed.  It will be a quick day surgery, with a short recovery.  He also thinks I will have better range of motion in my ankle after removing the screws.

This is all great news!  Yes, it means another surgery, but it also means that I am healing and my body is doing what it should. 

The surgery will fall around the week of August 22-26, which falls right before a very busy September. There's Labor Day, our 5 year wedding anniversary trip to San Antonio, and a trip to California to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece (who I have not been able to meet yet).  But the recovery time for this surgery will be quick, so he doesn't think it will hinder any vacation plans.

The biggest and most exciting news of the day is that I can stop wearing my boot!!!!  This is the best news of my recovery, especially here in Texas!  The boot is lined with "fur" (I think it's fleece).  It is the hottest boot imaginable.  Everyone tells me it looks like an Ugg.  And it's been 100+ degrees here for several weeks.  Yesterday my car told me it hit 110*.  Imagine wearing your Ugg's in that weather!  Not fun. 

He also told me to start weaning off of the crutches.  I have tried using just one crutch (with the boot on), and even no crutches.  It wasn't pleasant.  But when I got home today (wearing my regular shoes), I was actually able to walk around (well, limp around) and carry my own plate of food.  It is such a relief to know that I am now able to get myself something to eat or drink without having to rely on someone else to carry it for me.  I am not ready to go crutch-less out of the house just yet, but I'm on my way!

I don't think I'll be able to wear my sexy heels  on our anniversary trip, but that's okay.  I was told 4-6 weeks after the surgery to be careful (no dancing or twisting of the ankle), so that will be a little too soon to wear 4" heels.  I'll just have to go find some sexy flats!

Riley is doing well, too.  I had an appointment a couple weeks ago to get him started with play therapy.  Now I'm just waiting to hear back from the counselor to get him scheduled.  He's had a busy few weeks!  He's attending the Summer Fun! camps at our church, as well as Vacation Bible School.  He has had a blast, and will continue to have fun as the summer goes on!  While he seems to be doing a little better, I still want to get him in the play therapy to make sure he is able to work through his emotions after the accident.  He still holds a "grudge" against motorcycles, and seems to worry more than he should.  The anger issues are still there, but don't seem to be as bad.

Almost forgot to mention that I've been driving for the last few weeks.  Which means I've been off the pain meds for a few weeks!  Over the counter meds have been able to manage my pain (mostly). 

So that's it for now.  I'm staying busy with church, kids, the DFW Cloth Diaper Group, the DFW Cloth Diaper Project, physical therapy,  and other activities that are part of life!

Update 5/12/11

I had an appointment today with the plastic surgeon about how to move forward with treatment on my heel.  He cleaned it up a little in the office, and sent me home with a cream to apply twice a day to prevent infection.

I will be admitted early next week, for another surgery to clean my heel and to see how deep the dead tissue is.  After he sees what it looks like under the surface, he will determine which way to go. 

Scenario 1:  The dead tissue is just under the surface, in which case he will put a wound vac on my heel.  I will be admitted for a couple of days, and then come home.  Home Health will come check the wound vac daily and change the bandages.  Once the tissue is prepped (by the wound vac) he will do a skin graft using skin from a donor site (probably my arm or thigh).

Scenario 2:  The dead tissue is all the way to my bone and tendons.  I will still be admitted, and most likely will have an additional surgery while there.  He will need to take a "flap" (skin, fat, muscle, and vein) from a donor site (where depends on how bad it is) and attach it to my heel.

Obviously, we are hoping for the 1st scenario.  The 2nd is far more invasive, and will be a 8-10 hour surgery.  So please pray that it has not spread to the bone and tendon.

I am not looking forward to another hospital stay, but at least this time I will be prepared.  I know it will be hard on the kids for me to leave them again for a few days.  But they are in good hands with my mom and Ryan.  They have been so good through all of this.  I have been blessed with 2 amazing boys! 

I will, of course, keep everyone updated.  I know I've said it before, but thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes!  It really does mean so much knowing that there are people praying for us.