Sunday, May 29, 2011
Walking through the Rocks...
That's how long it's been since our motorcyle accident.
I've had many people tell me that if this had happened to them that they would be depressed and wouldn't be able to handle it like I have. They tell me I'm doing so great considering everything that happened. My friend Brandi even used me in her blog a couple weeks ago. Read her post titled Why Must Habits be Changed? #4. I stole this ----> picture from her blog, because I absolutely loved it!
And you know what, I am doing pretty good. I could be laying in bed all day long, crying about what happened. I can't walk on my left foot. It's hideous to look at. I still have another surgery, with a long recovery ahead of me.
Are things easy? No. Not in any sense of the word. Things are hard. Damn hard. I can't do much for myself. It's hard on my mom and my husband, who have to essentially wait on me hand and foot. If I'm thirsty or hungry, they have to get me food or drink. If I need to change my underwear, I need their help holding the tube on my wound vac so it doesn't get contaminated laying on the bed or floor. Shower by myself? Yes, but I need Ryan's help before and after. I can go to the bathroom by myself. But I can't pick up my kids. I can't even put Eli to bed (which he has been wanting lately). Riley has been having behavioral problems as a result of the accident, and it's very hard to know how to handle him sometimes.
There's a lot that I can't do. I could easily focus on that and fall into a deep depression. Do I choose to do that? No. I cannot live my life thinking about the can't's in life. Have I cried about what happened? Yes. Have I had a hard time with things? Yes. Have I argued with my husband, yelled at the kids, snapped at my mom? Yes, yes, and yes. It is extremely frustrating. But I choose not to let it get me down. My faith is in One more powerful than I, and I trust that He will carry us through this.
Life is hard. Things happen, bad things and good things. Life really is a roller coaster of highs and lows. A song comes to mind, by Caedman's Call. It's called "Lead of Love".
...Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love
Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee...
It is impossible for me to know what the future holds. And during challenging times in life, it feels impossible to think things will ever get better. This accident has been the hardest thing in my life that I have had to go through. Nothing has been harder or more difficult to handle. But I trust in the One who created me. He will never give me more than I can handle. He will give me the tools I need to get through this. He will send the people in my life who will help me through this.
At the end of this, I will see that mountain view. I'm not sure what it will look like, and that's ok. I trust that God will help me through this and get me there. That is how I am able to have such a positive outlook through all of this. The low times in our lives help us appreciate the highs. Each hug and "I wuv you, Mommy" means so much more to me now.
I may not be able to carry my kids, but I am able to hold them in my lap.
I may not be able to fix myself something to eat or drink, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful support system here to help me.
I may not be able to walk right now, but I will be able to walk again.
I may not be able to do a lot of things now, but I least I am here. I am alive. And I am thankful.