Walking through the Rocks...

6 weeks and about 14 hours.

That's how long it's been since our motorcyle accident.

I've had many people tell me that if this had happened to them that they would be depressed and wouldn't be able to handle it like I have.  They tell me I'm doing so great considering everything that happened.  My friend Brandi even used me in her blog a couple weeks ago.  Read her post titled Why Must Habits be Changed? #4.  I stole this ----> picture from her blog, because I absolutely loved it!

And you know what, I am doing pretty good.  I could be laying in bed all day long, crying about what happened.  I can't walk on my left foot.  It's hideous to look at.  I still have another surgery, with a long recovery ahead of me.

Are things easy?  No.  Not in any sense of the word.  Things are hard.  Damn hard.  I can't do much for myself.  It's hard on my mom and my husband, who have to essentially wait on me hand and foot.  If I'm thirsty or hungry, they have to get me food or drink.  If I need to change my underwear, I need their help holding the tube on my wound vac so it doesn't get contaminated laying on the bed or floor.  Shower by myself?  Yes, but I need Ryan's help before and after.  I can go to the bathroom by myself.  But I can't pick up my kids.  I can't even put Eli to bed (which he has been wanting lately).  Riley has been having behavioral problems as a result of the accident, and it's very hard to know how to handle him sometimes.

There's a lot that I can't do.  I could easily focus on that and fall into a deep depression.  Do I choose to do that?  No.  I cannot live my life thinking about the can't's in life.  Have I cried about what happened?  Yes.  Have I had a hard time with things?  Yes.  Have I argued with my husband, yelled at the kids, snapped at my mom?  Yes, yes, and yes.  It is extremely frustrating.   But I choose not to let it get me down.  My faith is in One more powerful than I, and I trust that He will carry us through this.

Life is hard.  Things happen, bad things and good things.  Life really is a roller coaster of highs and lows.  A song comes to mind, by Caedman's Call.  It's called "Lead of Love".

...Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee...
 It is impossible for me to know what the future holds.  And during challenging times in life, it feels impossible to think things will ever get better. This accident has been the hardest thing in my life that I have had to go through.  Nothing has been harder or more difficult to handle.  But I trust in the One who created me.  He will never give me more than I can handle.  He will give me the tools I need to get through this.  He will send the people in my life who will help me through this. 

At the end of this, I will see that mountain view.  I'm not sure what it will look like, and that's ok.  I trust that God will help me through this and get me there.  That is how I am able to have such a positive outlook through all of this.  The low times in our lives help us appreciate the highs.  Each hug and "I wuv you, Mommy" means so much more to me now. 

I may not be able to carry my kids, but I am able to hold them in my lap.

I may not be able to fix myself something to eat or drink, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful support system here to help me. 

I may not be able to walk right now, but I will be able to walk again.

I may not be able to do a lot of things now, but I least I am here.  I am alive.  And I am thankful.

Update 5/18/11

Surgery went well yesterday.  It was the outcome we were praying for!  Which means that the dead tissue was not too deep, and only a skin graft will be required.  For now, I have another wound vac on my heel.  I will be going home today!  Home health will come out a few times a week to check the wound vac.  I have a follow up on Monday with the plastic surgeon.

He wants to wait a little bit on the next surgery, to see how my foot does on it's own.  He wants to let the skin try to regrow itself before doing the skin graft. 

Anyway, I'll keep this short and sweet, but this is what's going on right now.  I was actually expecting to hear that it was the worst case scenario, so I was pleasantly surprised!


UPDATE ON THE UPDATE:

Well, I spoke too soon this morning.  I just spoke with the plastic surgeon.  He told me that on Monday he will be able to tell what needs to be done next.  While the tissue looks okay now, it could still need the "flap" (skin, muscle, and veins) if it continues to die in the next few days.  A skin graft is very difficult on the heel, and even if he were to just do a skin graft now, later down the road (when I'm able to start walking on that foot again) I may still need to have the flap done then.

So it looks like next week I'll be back in surgery, but which direction is still unseen. 

Peace During the Process

Before getting out of bed this morning, I checked my email from my phone.  I was procrastinating getting out of bed, and read something that my heart desperately needed to hear:

"Patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22) Patience, the fruit, grows best when we are connected to the Vine, which is Jesus. Patience can be defined as…PEACE DURING THE PROCESS. Another name for patience is “longsuffering.” Suffering wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn't for the “long” part of it. But some things just take TIME. Some things require waiting, in other words, they require patience.

I have found that God is NOT in a hurry…about anything. When Lazarus had died in John chapter 11, verse 6 says, “Yet, when Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed where He was for two more days.” You would think Jesus would have RUN to Lazarus’ home. He already KNEW the results that were about to happen. Jesus knows NO BOUNDARIES when it comes to what HE can do. He knows no time restrictions due to the fact that He is timeless. He has always been around and He will always be around. Jesus trusted His Father and THAT is all He needed. Note to us all...more TRUST!

In the parable of the 5 foolish virgins and the 5 wise virgins we it says, “The foolish bridesmaids took their lamps, but they didn’t take any extra oil. The wise bridesmaids, however, took along extra oil for their lamps.” Why did the wise virgins take “extra oil” for their lamps? They KNEW the Groom. They KNEW He always has perfect timing, yet is never in a hurry. The foolish virgins didn’t KNOW Him in this way. They thought everything would come together NOW…not later. Get some “extra oil.” There may be some “time” in between the promise and the end result. Be prepared for the necessity of patience. Remember, God has a plan and HIS timing is perfect; always!

What circumstances are YOU facing today? What has stolen YOUR peace? What has tried YOUR patience lately? No matter what we face, we can experience PEACE DURING THE PROCESS. Tap into “the peace that passes our own understanding.” (Philippians  4:7) Let THAT kind of peace work  “patience” inside of you that will be then become visible on the outside. Let nothing shake you. After all, YOU are friends with the MAKER OF TIME!"

I needed to hear this today.  For the first time since my accident (one month ago today), I am really struggling with patience.  And peace.  I just want to fast forward to the end of all the surgeries and recovery time.  I have said all along that I believe God will make something beautiful out of this horrible thing, and that I was okay with the possibility of not knowing what that is.  But as time goes on, I am finding it hard to hold firm to that belief. 

I hurt.  I'm tired.  It's extremely frustrating not being able to do things for myself.  I even wrote this post on Saturday to vent about all of my frustrations.  Tomorrow I go in for more surgery, which will only lead to another surgery.  More pain.  More recovery time.  That requires more patience, which has been running short lately.  God knew what words to put on David's heart this morning (the author of the devotional).  PEACE DURING THE PROCESS.  This is my renewed prayer.


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Poor poor pitiful me...

This is going to be my pity party post. 

I am not usually one to complain about life.  Things happen. Bad things happen.  There is absolutely nothing we can do to change those things, so what's the point on dwelling on them?  I don't live a life of regrets.  I believe that we can learn from ALL life experiences and move on.  When bad things happen, yeah it sucks, but I do my best to move on and learn from it.

A very bad thing happened to our family.  4 weeks ago today, in fact.  A motorcycle accident that will have a life long impact on me and our family.  It sucks, yes, but what can you do to change it?  Absolutely nothing.  So I've taken things in stride, including a LOT of pain, 2 surgeries, 8 days (so far) in the hospital, 5 days in rehab, medications that make me feel like crap (but take most of the pain away), time away from my kids, forced weaning from breastfeeding, my mom quitting her job sooner than planned so she can move in with us to help with the kids, me not being able to do a lot of things for myself (like getting a drink or snack), not being able to drive, missing work (which I LOVE)....  the list goes on.

I've handled it all pretty well I think.

But I'm tired today and feel like complaining today.  So read on if you want, or not.  Doesn't matter to me.  I just feel the need to get this off my chest, just this once.

So here's my complaints:

I hate not being able to get anything for myself.  If I'm hungry or thirsty, I have to depend on someone else to get it for me.

I can't even carry things around the house and, again, have to depend on others. 

Though I can get in and out of the shower on my own, it is easier if someone is there to make sure I don't fall trying to get my towels or the removable shower head.

I hate having to clean my wound twice a day and changing the bandages.  It's REALLY nasty to look at my foot and I really don't like doing it.

I hate that I have to sleep on my back, which is very uncomfortable all night long.  I'm a side sleeper, not a back sleeper, and I hate it.

I hate that the pain meds make me feel crummy.  They make me nauseous so I have to take medication to counter that.  The ear patch quit working and just irritated my skin so now I have a suppository to help with the nausea.  Not something you probably wanted to hear, but honestly, I don't care.  It sucks.  I hate it, but it works.

The pain meds also make me tired.  I have little energy to do anything.

I also hate that when I do any little thing it wears me out.  Just a simple trip to the bathroom takes a lot of effort.

What I really hate is that I can't even put my kids to bed.  I can't carry Eli to his room and lay him in his crib.

I hate that I have a long recovery ahead of me. 

I hate that as soon as the pain is starting to get somewhat better (I can now take just 1 pain pill instead of 2) I'm facing another surgery, which will just lead to another.  The pain is only going to get worse.

I hate that this accident delayed my trip to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and their baby.  She is 5 months old today and I have yet to meet her.  I was looking forward to a trip we can't afford to finally meet her next month, but that is not a possibility now.  I'm not sure when that will happen at this point.

So that's my list of complaints.  I'm sure I could think of more, but I'm sure you're tired of "hearing" me at this point (if you're still reading, that is).  I promise not to whine any more, at least not publicly.  But I had to get this out, and I do feel slightly better now.  Sorry for my pity party rant, but thanks for listening.  I promise to be my positive self next post.

I even contemplated not hitting "publish post", and just leaving this as a personal rant.  But for some reason I feel like sharing my complaints with others.  No need to pat me on the back and say how well I've handled things, I'm not looking for that, so please don't. 

Instead, share your current complaints!  Let's share in our misery together.  What's bugging you?

Update 5/12/11

I had an appointment today with the plastic surgeon about how to move forward with treatment on my heel.  He cleaned it up a little in the office, and sent me home with a cream to apply twice a day to prevent infection.

I will be admitted early next week, for another surgery to clean my heel and to see how deep the dead tissue is.  After he sees what it looks like under the surface, he will determine which way to go. 

Scenario 1:  The dead tissue is just under the surface, in which case he will put a wound vac on my heel.  I will be admitted for a couple of days, and then come home.  Home Health will come check the wound vac daily and change the bandages.  Once the tissue is prepped (by the wound vac) he will do a skin graft using skin from a donor site (probably my arm or thigh).

Scenario 2:  The dead tissue is all the way to my bone and tendons.  I will still be admitted, and most likely will have an additional surgery while there.  He will need to take a "flap" (skin, fat, muscle, and vein) from a donor site (where depends on how bad it is) and attach it to my heel.

Obviously, we are hoping for the 1st scenario.  The 2nd is far more invasive, and will be a 8-10 hour surgery.  So please pray that it has not spread to the bone and tendon.

I am not looking forward to another hospital stay, but at least this time I will be prepared.  I know it will be hard on the kids for me to leave them again for a few days.  But they are in good hands with my mom and Ryan.  They have been so good through all of this.  I have been blessed with 2 amazing boys! 

I will, of course, keep everyone updated.  I know I've said it before, but thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes!  It really does mean so much knowing that there are people praying for us. 

Forgiveness

When we forgive someone it means: to grant pardon for or
remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); to give up all claim on account of; to
grant pardon to (a person); to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive
one’s enemies. 

 I don’t think any of us REALLY grasp the full IMPACT of the action of
forgiving others for what they have done to us. “Well, I simply cannot forgive
or forget what that person did to me!” YES YOU CAN! If not, God would have
never told you to forgive others. He will never tells us to do that which we
cannot do. The thing we must do is CHOOSE to love that person the way you would love them if they had not done that thing at all. “Yeah, but they
DID do it!” No, no, no….remember forgiveness is to give up all claim on
account of; to grant pardon to a person as if it never even happened. So, if it
never happened, it’s OVER, DONE, FINISHED. Love ‘em like you loved them
BEFORE it happened.

 Maybe these verses will help.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly
Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins,
your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15 NIV) 

“In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do.
You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving
others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part. (Matthew 6:14-15 MSG)

This is a daily devotional that I receive in my inbox everyday.  If you are interested in receiving them, email DCTALKLINE@aol.com

Update 5/10/11

I had another follow up with the surgeon today.  The dead tissue has spread a little, and though it looks bad to me, it's exactly what he expected..  Good news is it hasn't spread to the bottom of my heel, so far.  It's not very pleasant to look at right now.  They did remove a few stitches where they put the screws in my ankle.  The stitches where they re-attached my heel are still there.

I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon on Thursday.  Most likely I will have another surgery within the next week.  My surgeon said there are a few different ways to treat my heel, but the plastic surgeon will determine which way to go.  One option is a skin graft. 

I will be getting a new cast/brace either today or tomorrow.  It's a special design, so there will be no pressure on my heel.  I am waiting on them to call me back to set up an appointment for them to come to my house. 

The surgeon wants to set up some physical therapy to get my ankle moving, but that will have to wait until after I see the plastic surgeon.  If I were to start now, it would pull at the stitches and dead skin.

I finally mailed a note to the young driver who hit us.  I just pray that I wrote the words God wants her to hear.  Even when I sat down to write the note, I didn't know what to say. 

I will keep you updated after I see the plastic surgeon.  I just hope the surgery won't interfere with the spa day my mom and I have planned for Saturday!  We could both use some pampering this week.  But, if it does interfere, we'll just have to reschedule...

Back to Reality

It's been almost a week since I've been home.  We are all adjusting still, but it has been wonderful to be in my own house with my kids!  Even though the 2 weeks I was away went by surprisingly fast, it was the longest I have been away from my kids.  I've tried making up for lost time with lots of cuddles!

I was finally able to sit down and write a note to the 16 y/o girl who hit us.  I've been putting it off, struggling with the right words.  I wanted to reassure her that we do forgive her, and also ask her to forgive herself.  I didn't want my words to sound hollow, so I can only hope that the words I wrote are what God wants her to hear.

I was so tired of sitting in a hospital bed that we have actually stayed pretty busy this week.  Today is actually the first day that we have stayed home with nothing to do.  And I'm bored!  My poor mom has to unload my wheelchair and 2 kids everytime we go somewhere, and then load us all back up when it's time to leave.  I hope she knows how much we appreciate her!

Tomorrow I will help my boss, Sharni (owner of the Nappy Shoppe, where I work p/t on Saturday's) at an expo at Stonebriar Mall in Frisco.  It will be good to get back to something I enjoy doing for me, which is helping get more babies in cloth diapers!  Once I am cleared to drive (basically, when my pelvic bone is no longer hurting and I'm off the prescription pain meds) I will return to work.  Hopefully this will happen sooner than later!  But it will also depend on when my next surgery is.

I have an appointment next week with my surgeon, but also a plastic surgeon to see when a skin graft will be necessary.  Please pray for good news, that there is no infection and that most of the skin and tissue does not die off in my heel.

So far, it's been a good week getting back into a routine.  I still do a lot of sitting around, but at least I'm home.

Update 5/3/11

I'M HOME!!!  It feels so ggod to be at my own house, with my family around me.  This is definitely good for my recovery.  Of course, that means getting back to life.  For 2 weeks, my life was on hold while my body recovered.  Though I'm still recovering, life must go on.  Riley still has gymnastics and speech class, Ryan still has to work, kids still get sick...

The first week I was in the hospital, Eli had an ear infection.  Fortunately, it cleared up quickly.  The week I was in rehab, while staying with my parents at their house, Riley had an ear infection.  So bad his ear drum burst.  Good news is he was already at the urgent care center when it burst, so they were able to treat it immediately.  He got 2 shots, plus a script for an oral antibiotic and some cough medicine.  We took him in yesterday for a follow up with our regular doctor.  She said it still looks pretty nasty, and added some ear drops to his medication, with a follow up in 2 weeks.  At least his ear tubes are still in place, so we don't have to worry about going back to surgery anytime soon for that.

Ryan is back to work full duty now.  He had to do a physical test to make sure he was able to do his job to full capacity, which he passed with flying colors!  He was extremely bored with light duty, and is thrilled to have something to do again.

I had a follow up this morning with the surgeon.  He said my right pelvic bone fracture is still looking good, and has not shifted.  This is great news!  If it had shifted at all, then I would be wheelchair bound, and wouldn't be able to bear weight on either leg.  The fracture in my left fibula is still looking good, as well.  They put on a new, slimmer, light weight cast.  I am super excited about this, since the last one was very heavy, and made walking (on crutches or with the walker) very painful on my left ankle.  I think I can even get jeans over this new cast, which means I won't have to live in sweats for the next couple of months!

My left heel is still the main concern.  They re-attached the skin and tissue to my heel in my last surgery, but they still need to keep a close eye on it to watch for infection.  I have another appointment next week, and will also see a plastic surgeon that same day.  Most likely I will have a skin graft on some dead skin on the back of my ankle.  Please pray that it does not spread to the bottom of my foot.  If that skin/tissue dies, then there will be even more long term complications.  I will continue to be non-weight bearing on my left foot til at least mid-June.  He also told me that the screws will most likely come out at some point, after my torn tendon heals.  I originally thought the screws were there to stay, but I guess not!

The boys are adjusting to me being home.  I think Eli is holding a bit of a grudge against me.  He will come to me when he's happy, but still wants my mom when he is tired and cranky.  I am fine with this, mostly because for so long he only wanted me.  It's just nice to see him cling to someone else.  I think it's so funny when I change his diaper, he goes crying to my mom for comfort! 

Riley is extremely gentle with me, most of the time.  He asks me several times a day why I still have a broken bone, and why I have a cast.  It's hard for him to understand since he can't see the actual boo boo.

Elijah has only wanted to nurse one time.  He woke up still very sleepy yesterday morning.  I came out from my room to find him cuddling on the couch with my mom.  I sat down, and he came to cuddle with me.  The first few times he just pointed at my chest and looked at me (his way of telling me he wants milk), he was okay when I told him "all gone...no more".  But after a few minutes he got very upset that he couldn't nurse.  He calmed down after a few minutes, but it still made me a little sad that he was forced to wean, and that it wasn't done on our terms.

Life will just be a new "normal" (whatever that is!) from now on, especially over the next few months.  We are just very fortunate and thankful that we still have a life to live!